


Flamingos, Gnomes and Betrayal

by howlthenight



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-26
Updated: 2016-08-26
Packaged: 2018-08-11 02:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7872817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/howlthenight/pseuds/howlthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan becomes jealous while watching Phil play the sims.</p><p>“Because alternate universe you is flirting with every sim he sees. I see it with my very own two eyes. Both of them, Philip, both eyes.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flamingos, Gnomes and Betrayal

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to the awesome itsjustmehb who was my beta. The story was written for Phandom Little Pop. Clearly, I exceeded the word limit and failed with this one.
> 
> The extremely entertaining fanart that represents the nonsense of this story is by ponnic and [can be seen here](http://ponnics.tumblr.com/post/149633480891/the-picture-i-drew-up-for-howlthenight-s-plp-fic). 
> 
> This version of sims is basically sims the way I wish it were.
> 
> Also, this is a work of fiction and I own none of the contents contained therein.

Dan hears sounds of tinny Simlish coming from the lounge and goes to investigate.

Phil is sat at the dining table, playing Sims on his stickered MacBook Pro.

“Are you playing Dil and Tabs?”

“No, of course not. They’re not on this computer anyway.”

“Oh yeah, right.” Dan stands and watches. He begins laughing when he sees that Phil is playing himself.

“Are you really playing a sim version of yourself?”

“Like we didn’t essentially play our son for thousands of people.”

“It’s funny when it’s for other people.”

“It’s fun for me when there’s  _ no people _ .”

He bends down and gives Phil a quick nip on the top of his ear.

“Ack! Get off you menace!”

Dan chuckles and goes to make lunch. When he comes back and resumes watching the game for a little while, he notices something.

“You’re flirting with sims that aren’t me,” his voice steadily rises.

“If you were really paying attention, Dan, you would see my sim is named Petrude. He’s like an alternate universe me. See the snazzy cat cardigan? The various shades of pink?”

Dan’s brows are so high, they’ve almost left his forehead. They’re still not as high as his voice. 

“You wouldn’t want to be with me in an alternate universe? And how is that alternate you when you’d wear that right now if you had it?”

“Oh shush, style is style. Of course I would want to be with you in an alternate universe. How could you think I wouldn’t?”

“Because alternate universe you is flirting with every sim he sees. I see it with my very own two eyes. Both of them, Philip, both eyes.”

Phil feels a dull throb wanting to start at his temples. His exasperation rises.

“You do realise how silly that sounds, right? And that is coming from  _ me _ . There’s no need to be jealous of pixels. I love you in every universe.”

“Your screen proves otherwise.”

Phil drops his face into his hands and groans as Dan goes to his bedroom. He doesn’t hear Phil’s muffled mumbling of, “Is he for real?”

-

Dan cannot believe that Phil would make a sim of himself and not want to play with Dan or at least create his own Dan. It’s not like he’s having his sim date Sarah Michelle Gellar or Zayn, he’s having him flirt and date random sims.

Feeling petulant and petty, he gets the brilliant idea of creating his own sim self.

He takes his time and makes the most realistic and handsome sim!Dan possible. He picks black skinny jeans and a black shirt with a skull wearing a pink bow. He finishes it off with black boots.

His sim arrives at Phil’s lot. There are three plastic flamingos and colourful flowers lining each side of the pathway leading up to his house. Dan huffs at the screen and Phil’s happy, Danless abode.

“Double dippin’ Phil and his useless flamingos.”

He clicks on one and clicks the option to kick it. The flamingo is kicked over and lays on the ground, it’s digitalised metal legs point in Dan’s direction. It feels more accusatory than it should.

Phil’s voice booms from the lounge, “DANIEL HOWELL, HOW DARE YOU KICK BOB!”

Sim!Phil comes out of the house, goes up to Dan and calls his mother a llama. He then puts a sign in the garden. In large bold font it says,

“NO HAMIELS ALLOWED.”

“What the fuck is a Hamiel?” Dan says it loud enough for Phil to hear.

“You, because you’re a _ego-headed_ , _Bob kicking_ _ham_!”

“Says the double and triple dipping  _ betrayer _ !”

This time, Phil makes sure Dan hears his frustrated groan.

-

Begrudgingly, Dan has taken to calling his sim self Hamiel because it’s marginally less weird than calling it mini-Dan or straight up Dan, like he named him. So original.

He has Hamiel visit Petrude’s lot. The car is gone so they’re at work or a community lot. The sign still stands, next to an upright Bob. He notices something apparate on the porch. It’s a small gnome in a bear suit. And it’s scowling at him. What the ever loving fuck. Dan makes Hamiel sprint home. Phil and his guard gnome can piss off.

Phil stops by Dan’s house multiple times throughout a few sim days, waiting for Dan to invite him in. He doesn’t.

Dan focuses on building his simoleons up to make his house not look like crap and to buy Bonehilda, the perfect skeleton maid. He may not have Phil but he’ll always have his aesthetic.

Phil has Petrude send Hamiel a text. Another olive branch attempt. “Sansiel, please don’t be angry with me. They’re just sims. Nothing and no one could compare to you.”

The text pings in Hamiel’s notification box on the side of the screen. Dan pauses for a moment in contemplation, masterfully crafting his response. He replies with, “Up your butt with a coconut.”

As much as Dan’s response saddens and thoroughly annoys him, Phil appreciates the classic reference. It’s also the final straw pushing him towards avenging Bob.

“Your time has come, Petrude.” He knows Dan isn’t watching the house because Hamiel is at work so he has Petrude sneak inside. The decor is monochrome with splashes of color. A dog,  _ a sheeb _ , comes up to Petrude, wagging its tail. Phil clicks on it and sees its name is, “Memo.”

A small smile grows and he says softly, “Oh, Dan.”

He has Petrude pet, hug and give a treat to Memo then continues on his mission, looking for something to catch his eye and inspire a prank. The dog happily trails behind him.

The first room he finds is the bedroom. There’s a Freezerbunny poster, and an old picture of Drew Carey in the Niagara Love Tub, on the wall. He knows Dan doesn’t have it because he understands the references so he’s going to pretend he never saw it.

He wishes he could swap out the black, four post wooden bed and put a racecar bed instead. Phil laughs as he imagines Dan’s legs sticking out past the ‘bonnet’ of the bed, if they had a real one. It would be where Dan sleeps when he’s in the dog house.

Making Petrude exit the room, he moves onto the next. It’s the toilet, as exciting as Phil expected it to be. Not all toilets can be like theirs, though.

He sees a door on the opposite side of the hallway. Petrude enters and Phil goes, “Oooooo,” as he sees the perfect object to prank Dan with: Bonehilda. A skeleton maid who wears the stereotypical French maid outfit and rests in a coffin that stands up. 

Phil knows it has to be one of Dan’s favorite things in the game apart from Memo. He clicks to have Petrude drag it back to his own house. Phil’s anxiety rises as he knows a sim job doesn’t last very long and that Dan and Hamiel will be back sooner than later.

“Hurry, Petrude,” he loudly whispers, uselessly, at the screen, eyes wide and arms flailing. “Aah!” Phil grabs at his hair with his left hand as he watches the coffin fall onto the floor in the lounge. Petrude wipes his forehead on his sleeve, exhaling animatedly.

All sims do this when lugging large objects around. Some more or less than others, depending on their traits. Sighing at himself, Phil can’t believe he didn’t give Petrude rippling muscles. He had been too distracted by The Sleeveless Cat Cardigan.

“Oh god, pick her back up and gallop home!” Now squawking at the screen and making various noises, Phil tries to keep the volume down but his brain is beginning to feel slightly detached with the rush of excitement and fear of Dan catching him mid-snatch.

After standing and looking around aimlessly for a few more moments, Petrude picks the coffin back up and continues dragging it. Dragging it out the door and dropping it down each step on his way. Phil can’t help but cringe and laugh even as he’s in a state of moderate alarm.

Petrude makes it to the street where his car picks him and the coffin up at the street, and he drives to his house where Phil has him lug Bonehilda up inside, specifically into the back room, Phil’s bedroom. Phil takes Dan’s silence as a sign that he’s still working with Hamiel.

He jumps out of his chair, dancing and snickering in celebration. One upping Dan doesn’t happen often enough so he takes the time to savour it when he does. He offhandedly wonders if he can add this to the DanandPhilGAMES board as a win.

His partying stops a couple of minutes later when he hears a shrill, “Where the hell is Bonehilda, you bloody thief? You even took her coffin!” 

“I didn’t nick anything!” Technically,  _ he _ didn’t. It was all Petrude. Phil knows nothin’ ‘bout nothin’. That’s his alibi and he’s sticking to it.

“Bonehilda? You have one of those?”

“I  _ did have _ , until you fucking  _ nicked it _ !”

Phil pinches his leg to keep from laughing and tries to keep his voice straight, “ _ I _ did no such thing.”

“I know better, you bespectacled bellend. I’m coming over there and you better cough her up.”

Phil battens down the hatches, and sets all the outside doors of the house to only let Petrude enter and exit. Hamiel stomps up to the door.

“Come out here and fork over Bonehilda, you pasteled, kitten cardigan wearing pilferer!”

“She’s not in my lounge!” Phil belatedly cringes at how obvious that sounds.

“Then let me see!”

“Fine!” Phil unlocks the doors and Hamiel enters, “See? She’s not in my lounge.”

Dan stares blankly at the screen for a few moments.“You forgot that when you invite someone in, if their setting is on lowered or half walls, then that’s what they see, you cereal and Bonehilda stealing mooch. She’s in your bedroom!”

The jig is up so Phil goes on the defense. “I’m avenging Bob!”

“I knocked over your 1 quid piece of plastic bird crap, while you, on the other hand, stole my four thousand simoleon magical skeleton that I worked very hard for.”

“Pfffft, I saw your easel. You probably sold two paintings to buy it and just because Bob is cheap, doesn’t mean his life is any less valuable.”

Dan has Hamiel go into Petrude’s house. The front door opens up into the kitchen and Dan feels inspired. Checking to see if any leftovers are in the fridge, he sees there are none so there’s nothing for it; Hamiel will have to bake a cake.

Phil sees The Bakening happen while he’s zoomed out.

“Why are you cooking?”

“Hamiel needed to.”

Soon the hamburger cake is finished and Hamiel carries it into the lounge and stands in front of Petrude. Before Phil can click to make Petrude show appreciation and accept Dan’s apology, Hamiel dumps the cake on his head, causing his hygiene bar to empty. Waves of green stench emit and waft from him. Hamiel reacts as if something is smells disgusting.

“Oh look at that, he stinks. This is a beautiful form of art imitating life.”

Dan happens to notice a gnome in a bear suit, glaring at Hamiel. Other instances of seeing the gnome flash through his mind. It’s always glaring, always appearing randomly. It’s as cute as it is unsettling.

“Why do you have a creepy ass gnome stalking me?”

“What? What are you talking about? Pooh?”

Pooh? It’s certainly a poo all right. “The. Creepy. Ass. Gnome. It’s been stalking me since I first visited. It’s by the fireplace. Look at its glare!”

“It’s glaring at you because you’re an utter  _ nob _ ,” Phil’s diction on the last two words could rival Rowan Atkinson. Dan’s bravado withers slightly.

“I didn’t buy him to stalk you. I’ve always had him, because he reminded me of you, ironically. He probably began glaring after you kicked Bob.”

Dan felt a twinge in his heart that Phil had thought of him. He looked at the gnome and it was cute in it’s little bear costume, even he couldn’t deny that. “It’s still creepy and I don’t have to stand here and take this,  _ phil _ anderer; I’m grabbing Bonehilda and going home.”

“Good,” Phil said curtly. He had Petrude clean up the mess of cake on the floor and then got him into a bubble bath, because he deserved one.

Somewhat surprised by Phil’s reaction, Dan didn’t feel particularly better for having won the battle. He sends Hamiel into the bedroom and zooms in. He pauses when he sees a porcelain pig on the bedside table. It makes him fully see what a ridiculous ass he’s been.

Phil hears movement and then footsteps in the hallway and it’s a minute or two before Dan is standing hesitantly near him.

“I’m sorry, Phil.”

Phil keeps his eyes on the screen.

“I know you would never cheat on me. I should’ve never accused you or called you a philanderer, although it was a pretty good pun.”

Quickly, Phil turns and looks at him, “Damn right, you shouldn’t have.”

“I love you and I’m sorry. I’m also sorry for dumping a cake on Petrude. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me but I love you. I know you’d never cheat.”

Phil sighs, “I know, Dan. I love you, too.” He scoots his chair back and before he can do anything, Dan straddles his lap and hugs him. He returns the hug and they hold each other for a few moments.

“I know I’m being silly but I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to. You’re my favourite person, you frustrating ball of dimples.”

“My sad dimple did feel particularly sad today. I think a kiss might make it happier.”

Huffing, Phil says, “You should be kissing my dimples.”

“You don’t have any so I’ll kiss your snoot instead.” 

Dan  kisses the side of his nose and Phil blushes ever so lightly then proceeds to kiss Dan’s cheek, right where Sad Dimple is. Dan beams at him while his arms remain crossed behind Phil’s neck.

“You know that makes your sad dimple look even sadder?”

“Yeah, I know,” he replies and continues grinning.

“You have to apologize to Bob, too.”

Dan playfully rolls his eyes, “I’m sorry for kicking Bob, he was naught but an innocent bystander. Sorry, Bob Bobbington Flamingo III, Esq.”

“That’s more like it,” Phil purses his lips and does the Headnod of Assuredness.

“You need to apologize to me, too. You did steal Bonehilda.”

With complete unrepentant insincerity, Phil apologises, and adds offhandedly, “Petrude is going to adopt.”

“A baby??”

“Yes, and I’m going to raise it with Rufus, the gnome. Of course not,” he shakes his head at Dan.

“It has a name besides Pooh?”

“Yes,  _ he _ does. Pooh is a nickname. Now scooch so I can get cracking.” Phil gives Dan a sweet peck on the on lips. Dan gives him another as he’s getting up.

As Dan makes his way back into the bedroom, Phil adopts a three legged, singular eyed orange tabby he names Minton. He quickly fills the house with all the coolest cat items he can afford.

Dan sits at his desk and notices some of the new additions to the Petrude household as he has Hamiel walk back into the lounge. All of a sudden, he sees a cat come galloping out of the kitchen and does a lap around the sofa before hopping up on it and sitting down.

“Oh my god, Phil. You had to go and name it Minton. I know the game didn’t do that.”

“Yup!”

Petrude and Hamiel go pet and hold Minton, give her treats. Phil zooms in on her. “I can hear her carburetor!” Dan does the same and surely enough, he hears her purring.

“They needed this in the game years ago.” Dan hears strange noises and a few curses coming from another room. In comes Phil carrying his laptop and cord. He sprawls out on the unmade bed after plugging the Macbook in.

Petrude goes up to Hamiel and embraces him, and follows it with a tender kiss. Phil turns on the stereo and has Petrude ask Hamiel to dance. They dance together for a few minutes, awfully.

“Shouldn’t I be buttering you up, Phil?”

Instead of replying, Phil has Petrude choose to invite Hamiel to move-in.

“Aw,  _ Phil _ .” Dan will always refuse to admit that the moment made him a tad emotional.

He accepts and soon Petrude’s house becomes their home, filled with both of their things.

They have a family portrait taken after everything settles, with Petrude and Hamiel, Bonehilda and Rufus and of course, Meme and Minton.

Right after the photo is taken, Minton scratches up the sofa.

“Bad Minton!”

“You’ve waited all this time to say that, haven’t you, Phil?

“Yasss.”

**Author's Note:**

> Bob had his name before all of the Bobs showed up in Phil's life. It's such a perfect flamingo name that I didn't have the heart to change it.
> 
> If I ever make a sequel or turn this into a series, Petrude, Hamiel and the gang will have far more exciting adventures than they did this time around.


End file.
